Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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