my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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