so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
