Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
