Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
