I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.