I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days