I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
