I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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