Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
