i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
