I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
