I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
