Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
