Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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