She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
