why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
