I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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