47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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