the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
