wanna go halves on a baby?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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