Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
