don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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