Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
