He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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