they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
