I like my sex mixed with concussions.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
