ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
