i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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