DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently you make a good broom.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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