Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
