my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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