If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize