I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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