Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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