True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
