Do you still have your period?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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