1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
