you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
