i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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