i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
