It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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