and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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