My liver just broke up with me...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
