I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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