If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
