And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
