I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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