So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
