Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize