Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
