Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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