We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
