your parents love me but you hate me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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