This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
