Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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