Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
