He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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