So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
