is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
this will be a night to untag.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Randomize
